CLOSED $40 CASH to win! NoLuckNeeded's Best Joke contest

Posted:01.03.2009, 11:30

Not really a joke and maybe not for kids but i thought this was really funny ....

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click on alex baldwin video clip

**Moderator**

codyman, gross!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Moderator**

Here is a funny ....

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about those Snuggie blankets..
there is bad language.

.
I was going to buy one before I saw this, I swear to the Almighty!

....

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Posted:01.03.2009, 18:04

I was thinking....HEy what the @#%! I should buy one

LOL!!!

**Moderator**

codyman, I think I will still buy one...

Posted:01.03.2009, 20:43

DO YOU FART IN BED?

IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FROM LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND

THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT.. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.

HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU.'

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.'

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.'

**Moderator**

slotmom, THAT IS SO FUNNY I just sent it to members of my family and twitteronia

Posted:02.03.2009, 02:00

Three men were walking on a beach when they spotted a magic lamp. The rubbed the lamp and a genie came out and said " you each get one wish" the first guys says this is going to be easy " i want to be 100 times smarter the genie goes As you wish "POOF" you are 100 times smarter the guy walkes away smiling happy as can be. The second guy goes oh yeah i want to be 1000 times smarter the genie goes as you wish "POOF" you are 1000 times smarter, the second guy does a cartwheel and skippes away. The third guys stoppes and thinks a minute and says to the genie i want to be a million times smarter, the genie stopes and lookes at him and askes him and says are you sure the third guy said yes im sure the genie says ok here you go "POOOOF" YOUR A WOMAN.

Posted:02.03.2009, 04:25

C’est l’histoire d’un mec qui va aux toilettes dans un bar. La première est occupée et il entre dans la deuxième. A peine se met-il sur la cuvette qu’il entend :
- Salut ! Comment ça va ?
Surpris, il se dit que c’est un drôle d’endroit pour lier d’amitié avec quelqu’un, mais bon, on ne choisit pas…
- Euh.!.!! ça va, dit-il embarrassé.
- Qu’est-ce que tu fais de beau ?
- Ben, je fais comme toi, … caca…
Et là, il entend :
- Ecoute, je te rappelle plus tard, il y a un con à côté qui répond à toutes mes questions !

It is the history(story) of the guy who goes to toilet in a bar. The first one(night) is occupied and he(it) enters the second. Hardly he(it) puts itself on the washbasin which he hears(understands):
- Hello! How are you?
Surprised, he says to himself that it is a funny place to bind(connect) of friendship with somebody, well, we do not choose - Euh.!.!! OK, he says embarrassed.
- What you make of beautiful?
- Ben, I make as you, poo … And there, he hears(understands):
- Listening, I call back(remind) you

Posted:02.03.2009, 07:14

Do you know why it's so cold??

Because almost every white person for 200+ years said " It will be a cold day in
Hell, before a black man becomes President." Enjoy the weather!!!

Posted:02.03.2009, 14:18

Subject: Ol' Blue

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

" Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read! ?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives
in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer, and then he went on to become the Governor of Illinois.

No offence to the people in Wyoming- truly one of the most beautiful states I have ever had the pleasure to visit!

Posted:02.03.2009, 14:41

Retire to Alaska

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible..

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about
5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! . I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

**Moderator**

You guys are funny

Posted:03.03.2009, 16:37

**Moderator**

Funny YouTube video, sleeping dog runs into a wall:
....

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