CLOSED $40 CASH to win! NoLuckNeeded's Best Joke contest

Posted:11.02.2009, 10:41

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

Posted:11.02.2009, 10:56

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard.As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself,'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes,they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. So,she turned to the other woman and said,'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said,

' Oh, crap, am I driving?'

Posted:12.02.2009, 04:11

OK - this is reaaalllyyy stupid but the first time I heard it I laughed my ^*% off:

Where do cousins come from?

.......

....... "aunt holes".

I got nothin'.

Thanks for the contest!

Rae

Posted:12.02.2009, 05:27

An elderly couple went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What
can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished,
the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse." And he charged them $20.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor, and leave. Finally the
doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is
married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to
my house. Holiday Inn charges $32. The Hilton charges $37. We do it
here for $20 and I get $18 back from Medicare for a visit to the
doctor's office."

Posted:12.02.2009, 16:28

Ok, anybody underage please don't read this, and anyone who might
be offended, I apologize but this joke is funny as hell! (no pun intended!)

So this man dies and goes to Hell....
He's greeted By Satan who shows him around the place...
During his orientation, Satan tells him that there are 3 different rooms that he's going to show him and that he must pick 1 of them to spend eternity in.

So He shows the man the 1st room, where there are all these people up
to their necks in feces, and it stinks something terrible! the man can barely stand it!! "Oh, get me outta here, show me the other rooms! PLEASE!!"

So Satan takes him onto the next room, where there are just as many people
and they are all up to their necks in maggots! they're crawling into peoples mouths and eyes and everyone in there is screaming in horror! The man can't take it, he thought the OTHER room was bad, but this room was worse!
he can only imagine how bad the next room will be, he hopes and prays to God, "Oh God, Oh God, pleeeease tell me the next room is better?
please, please, please God, please Please PLEASE!!

As they approach the last room, where he knows he's going to have to make
a decision on which room to spend eternity in... he can't bear to look... his eyes are closed, squinted tight, when Satan says, "Ok, here we are... what's it gonna be?"

The man slowly opens one eye, expecting to see the God-Awful Worst, but to his dismay... He doesnt see anything bad at all!! he is actually relieved
when he looked in this room... There stood The most Beautiful, Hot, Sexy,
Voluptuous Blonde Chick Giving some guy a Blow-Job!!!

The Man was like, "Yessss!! There IS a God!! and with excitment he tells Satan, "WOW!! I'll take THIS room!! Yes! Definitly, This is the room I want to spend ETERNITY in!!...

Satan says, "Are you sure? Cause once you pick, you can't change your mind, youre gonna be in there for eternity...

The Man says, "Yes, yes, I'm positive, I'll take this room..."

All of the sudden, Satan hollars into the room and says,
"Ok, Blondie, Your Relief is here, You Can Stop Now... "

hahahahaha!!

**Moderator**

LOLLLLLLLLL

Posted:12.02.2009, 18:23

This one is bad..lol I warned you......

What's Japanese and lives off dead beatles???

................................
.................
...Yoko Ono!! lolol

I told you it was bad!

Posted:12.02.2009, 23:03

All these jokes are so funny

I have been reading and printing them out for my Mom and Dad that are shut-ins, because my dad is very ill Mom cares for him 24/7,I help when I can. Every evening I look and print the new ones, just to see my Mom laugh again is so wonderful, there really isn't to much she laughs about anymore, all these funny jokes, my Mom has never laughed as hard as she has in these past few days. I just wanted to Thank All who sent a joke in and made her laugh again

And thanks So Much Tawnia to you for having the contest your the BEST

Your Friend kttyfn011 PS My Mom don't have a computer yet is why I have to print copies, but I'm working on it...

Posted:13.02.2009, 01:53

Awww! That's awesome!

what a nice thing to say! I'm glad all these jokes are making her laff,

....they ARE pretty funny!!

TDAT has all the Good Ideas!!

Posted:13.02.2009, 01:57

Posted:13.02.2009, 03:48

A haggard old lady is riding in a posh hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on, smelling divine. She arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce." On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on, smelling lovely as well. She turns to the other two women and says, "Chanel $150 an ounce." The old lady's floor is approaching and as the doors open, she looks at the two young ladies, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound.

Posted:13.02.2009, 11:02

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly
dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your
radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing
your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took
it off w hen you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of
my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're
driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I LOVE THIS PART

Only when he's been drinking!

Posted:13.02.2009, 11:40

Ok.. here are two-
Questions that have baffled Mankind
** Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
** Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
** Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
** Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
** If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
** If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
** Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
** Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
** Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
** What do you call male ballerinas?
** If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn't he just buy dinner?
** If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
** If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
** If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
** Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
** Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?
** Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
** Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
** Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
** Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why Dogs Don't Surf the Web
*They can't stick their heads out of Windows 2000.
*It's too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
*They can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
*The fire hydrant icon is simply frustrating.
*The involuntary tail wagging is a dead giveaway they're browsing
pethouse.com instead of working.
* They keep bruising thier noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
*Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
*'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
*The saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.
*Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.
*Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms

**Moderator**

kttyfn011, I am glad your parents like the jokes! sometimes laughter is the best medicine

Posted:13.02.2009, 19:05

One evening at the bar in Billings, Montana, a large bear lumbers in and says to the barkeep "Gimme a beer, barkeep!"

The bartender looks at him coolly and replies "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears here in the Billings Bar."

The bear is annoyed and threatening "Gimme a beer right now, dammit!"

The bartender, cool as usual, replies "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears here in the Billings Bar, especially belligerent bears."

The bear is very annoyed now and growls "If you don't gimme a beer right now--see that woman at the end of the bar?--I'm gonna eat her!"

Again the bartender refuses to serve beer to the bear, so the bear goes to the end of the bar and grabs the woman and eats her until she's all gone.

He saunters up to the barkeep and says, "See, I told you I'd eat her, so you damn well better gimme a beer right now!"

The bartender replies "Sorry, but we don't serve beer to bears here in the Billings Bar, especially belligerent bears, and most especially drug induced bears."

The bear, confused "Whaddya mean drug induced!?"

The bartender replies "That was a bar bitch you ate."