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“If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.”
– Homer Simpson
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Age: 65
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 whats the speed limit of sex? anwser 68>>> because at 69 you have to turn around.
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Age: 68
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 a man goes into a bar and orders a shots, drinks it and then looks in his shirt pocket, he orders another short and then again looks into his shirt pocket.the bartender is watching. and again the man orders 2 more shorts ,drinks them and once again looks into his shirt pocket, the bartender courios , ask the man, why is it that you look into your pocket after drinking the shots? the man replies,sir I have a picture of my wife in my pocket, and when she startsing looking damn good, i go home
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Age: 48
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ok finally my cousin sent me a good one woo hoo.
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 20 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0,NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
20
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applica tions Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband =2 0 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support
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Age: 56
Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 66
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Location: Toronto
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I guy gets on a bus with a real sour look on his face. He pays the fare and then proceeds to sit right behind the bus driver.
Then Right from the moment he takes a seat he quite loudly says
"psss ughhh what a driver, pss ughh what a driver..............and on!"
The operator stops for passengers, but immediatley turns his attention to the guy behind him:
"Is there a problem sir?"
Response: " no no - just forget it. Sorry"
Again the bus starts up, as does backseat Bob:
"pssssssss ughhhhhhhhhh spit pew - what a driver! Psssugh spit...........ect"
This time the driver doesn't wait for a bus stop he pulls to the side, and quite angerly states:
"What is your problem - I will throw you from this bus. Literally!"
Response: "No please, everything is fine."
Now the moment the foot hits the gas pedal:
"pshhhhhh ugggggggg spit psss oh - what a driver..........."
By this point the operator is just red with anger as he abruptly halts the bus, sending all standing passangers down.
"Look you wanna fight. You got a problem now! You and me -let's go pal!"
"Ok look it's not you!"
"then what?"
"whenyou picked me up did you see that huge limo parked next to the spot?
"Yeah, that car? Tight squeeze that spot."
"Exactly! So when I see that Rosie O'Donnell was driving that limo, and trying to fit that car in that spot I said 'hey Rosie! If you can fit that car into this tiny spot I will kiss your bare behind!"
"pssssh aghhhhhhhhh spit ughhhhhhh - What a driver!"
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Age: 65
Joined: 04 Oct 2004
Posts: 1487
Likes: 360
Location: north carolina
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a man goes to the store with his 8 yrs old son and when they go in they run slap into a condom display, the boys ask dad what are these for, dad replies. there for men to have safe sex son, and the boys replies yeah ive heard about that at school.so he looks around and see a 3 pack, why are there 3 in here daddy, dad replies there, for high school boys son , 1 for friday 1 for saturday, 1 for sunday, kool the boy says, then he picks up a 6pack , then dad why 6 in here, dad replies again , those are for college boys2 for friday. 2 for saturday, 2for sunday, wow the boy says, and the he finds a huge pack of 12 , and ask dad will dad who are these for, will son relies, there for married men only , why dad he ask, there to be used as is, 1 for january, 1 for february i for march and then 1 each month after that
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Joined: 11 Mar 2006
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Location: Gambleville
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« rsablebomb » wrote: ok finally my cousin sent me a good one woo hoo.
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 20 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0,NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
20
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applica tions Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband =2 0 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support
That is a great one!!!  
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Who has more funny jokes? 
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Age: 77
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« TDTAT » wrote: Who has more funny jokes?
You asked for it!
ROUGH!!!!
John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sit there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word is spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had McCain in his chair reached for the after shave. McCain was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Cindy will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'
The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?'
Obama replied, 'Go ahead, Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
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« CoraBets » wrote:
You asked for it!
ROUGH!!!!
John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sit there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word is spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had McCain in his chair reached for the after shave. McCain was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Cindy will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'
The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?'
Obama replied, 'Go ahead, Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
That is funny! Although I am sure Mrs. McCain is a nice woman
who would hopefully not mind a little joke.
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Age: 54
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A new teacher thought she would use what she learned in her psychology courses. She said to her class, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up."
After a few seconds, one boy stood. "Do you think you're stupid?" she asked.
"No, ma'am, but I just didn't want you to have to stand there all by yourself."
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« gxrgirl » wrote: A new teacher thought she would use what she learned in her psychology courses. She said to her class, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up."
After a few seconds, one boy stood. "Do you think you're stupid?" she asked.
"No, ma'am, but I just didn't want you to have to stand there all by yourself."
FUNNY JOKE!!
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WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE
> SITTING NAKED IN
> A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG
> WOMAN PRESSED HER
> FOREARM AND
> THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
> 'THAT WAS MY
> PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF
> MY ARM.
>
> A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN
> LIFTED HER
> PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED,
> 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE
> PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
>
> THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE,
> SHE DECIDED SHE
> HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF
> THE SAUNA AND
> WENT TO
> THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER
> HANGING FROM HER
> REAR END.
>
> THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
> THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT
> THAT....I'M
> GETTING A FAX!!
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Age: 49
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a woman went to her husband for advice, she said to him what can i do, my chest is too small, he said to her, everyday take a piece of toilet paper and rub it in your chest, do this a few times a day, so reluctanlty she did this, after a few weeks, she did not notice a difference, she asked her husband, do you see a difference? he said well it will take more time, dont worry, look what it did for your ass!!
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