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Age: 64
Joined: 01 May 2006
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Grandpa
A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3-year-old grandson at every turn.
It's obvious gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.
Meanwhile gramps is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, 'Easy Albert, we won't be long; easy boy.'
Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, 'It's OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here; hang in there.'
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.'
Very impressed the woman goes up to gramps as he's loading the kid and the groceries into the car and says, 'You know sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa.'
'Thanks, lady,' replied gramps, 'But I'm Albert . . . the little jerk's name is Johnny.'
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Age: 64
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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
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Age: 64
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
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Age: 64
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A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
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Age: 64
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An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, “Sir, what is that on your shoulder?”
The old farmer said, “That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes.”
“I’m sorry, Sir,” said the ticket girl, “We can’t allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken.”
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
“Marge,” whispered Mildred.
“What?” said Marge.
“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”
“What makes you think so?” asked Marge.
“He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred.
“Well, don’t worry about it,” said Marge, “At our age it isn’t anything we haven’t seen before.”
“Yes,” said Mildred, “But this one’s eating my popcorn!”
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Age: 64
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A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather....are these plates clean?
His grandfather replied.... those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal.
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks...so he asked again......are you sure these plates are clean?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says.....I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him pass.... Grandfather, your dog won't let me out.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, Grandfather shouted, COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!
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Age: 52
Joined: 10 May 2006
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I Really hope this doesn't offend anyone...........but we're all supposed to be over 21 here, so here it goes...........There was a married couple who had this thing they liked to to everyday, which was to teach each other a new word everyday.....one morning the husband says, " my word for the day, is "HANDSOME".........the wife kinda of chuckles, and says, "that's silly , dear, I know what handsome means...... and he replies, "no, dear, this definiton is different than you think..I'll use it in a sentence......" Honey, if your mouth gets tired, you can use your HANDSOME".................LMFAO....i thought it was great...thanks for the contests!1
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Age: 54
Joined: 20 Dec 2008
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Location: Brandon, MS
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"Little Johnny, do you know your numbers?"
"Yes, teacher, I do! My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three?"
"Four," answered Little Johnny.
"Good. What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good, Johnny, your father did a good job. Now, what comes after ten?"
"Jack!"
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tdkbeg
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Age: 51
Joined: 18 Nov 2005
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 Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
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Age: 54
Joined: 29 Aug 2007
Posts: 131
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Location: east bay California
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A married couple were arguing over who should be making coffee each morning . The wife claims ... honey it is only obvious that you should be making coffee in the morning since you are the first to get up. That way everyone will arise with a fresh cup to start the morning with.. The husband responds nooooo way my love .. you do all the cooking in this household and that also applies to the coffee making ... therefore you should make the coffee... the wife then responds by telling her husband that according to the good Lord above .... the husband is the one responsible for the coffee making .... the husband gasps and questions his wife.... WHERE IN THE HECK DID YOU GET THIS INFORMATION FROM ??? THE GOOD LORD ABOVE STATES THAT I AM TO MAKE COFFEE??? EXPLAIN YOURSELF WOMAN...
she states that the GOOD BOOK states this . He then demands his wife to show him where it states this in the GOOD BOOK. She then grabs the bible and after flipping thru a few pages points and says RIGHT THERE!!!.. WHERE?? HE ASKED . RIGHT THERE ON THE TOP OF THE PAGE... IN CLEARLY STATES...... HE -- BREWS!!!! (for those who need assistance with the punchline....HEBREWS)!
This has to be one of the funniest clean jokes I have read in quite some time.... until i read the got any bread joke at the beginning of the page... my boyfriend is just like that damn duck...
let me know if there happens to be a dirty joke contest.... gots tons of themmmLOL
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Age: 70
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theres a drunk staggering down the highway and he comes upon a guy with his car on the side of the road looking sadly at his engine wassa problleemmm sayz the drunk" piston broke" sayz the guy oh same here sayz the drunk lol 
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ろばーと ro-ba-a-to 呂羽都 robert ロバート
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Age: 50
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What did one saggy boob say to the other?
If we don't get some support soon....people are gonna think we are nuts! 
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Joined: 11 Mar 2006
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Age: 56
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Age: 60
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A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.'
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' 'I don't know', he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'
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