CLOSED $40 CASH to win! NoLuckNeeded's Best Joke contest

**Moderator**

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND...

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN

**Moderator**

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

**Moderator**

Top Ten Things To Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like...

10. Hey! Now there's a gift!

9. Well, well, well...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. I really don't deserve this.

Posted:21.02.2009, 22:55

These are actual answers on a McDonald’s application
submitted by a 17 year old kid someplace in Florida.
They actually hired him too.

NAME: I erased his name.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President.
But seriously, whatever’s available.
If I was in a position to be picky,
I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options
and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.
If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection
of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m.,
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes,
but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one,
would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT
WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question
here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb
sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing
since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND
COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

What'd You Think?

Posted:21.02.2009, 23:23

A woman, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a rich neighborhood.The woman went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Hello, I can fix anything."
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
woman said, "How about 60 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later woman came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," woman answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $60. "And by the way," woman added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

**Moderator**

LOL!!!

Posted:22.02.2009, 00:35

MY MOMMY THE DANCER

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for
a living.

All the typical answers came up - teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman,
doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his mother, he replied,

"Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her
clothes in front of men and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the
offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night
for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your mother?"

"No," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is
helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Posted:22.02.2009, 02:23

The old lady has three sons and they got older so three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first son said, "I built a big house for our Mother."

The second son said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a young handsome driver."

The third son smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, the woman sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Posted:22.02.2009, 07:16

**Moderator**

Who has more jokes?

Posted:25.02.2009, 12:14

Three women were in the sauna together, 2 young ladies and one senior citizen.

All three were sitting there enjoying the moment when all of a sudden they heard a phone ringing. One of the young women touched her hand and held it up to her ear. The other 2 women looked at her and she explained, "That was my cell phone. I have a microchip in my hand".

As they all got back to enjoying the steam, a beeping sound began. The other young women touched her arm and held it up to her ear. As the other two women looked at her, she explained, "That was my beeper. I have a transmitter in my arm."

The senior lady sat quietly feeling very low tech. Suddenly she got up and left the room. When she came back there was a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The other two young ladies looked at her questioningly. Finally she said, "Well, will you look at that? I am getting a fax"

Posted:25.02.2009, 13:50

Not a joke per say. However, this is a true story that cracked me up.

A buddy kept asking me to take him to a horse track for his first time.

It was Garden State Park(now gone). My buddy was thrilled to be there to say the least. Buddy asked me what horse in the first race I was betting on. Told him "Aircraft", going to wheel in double and bet a win bet. Buddy says, can I bet him for second, I said, yes, be sure whatever amount you're wagering, say "Place".

Buddy comes back from wagering all smiles, The race begins, "Aircraft" goes off 7 to 1, takes the lead in deep stretch. All of a sudden, my buddy starts screaming, gettttttttttttttttttttt back, gettttttttttttttttttttttttttttt back! I looked at him puzzled. "Aircraft" won, my buddy's face dropped with sadness and tossed his ticket away. I said, what way did you bet? He said, Place, I said find that ticket it's a winner. My buddy scrambled like a madman knocking over people to find his ticket, which he did and ran to the cashier's window. I said, why were you yelling get back, he said, being I bet the horse for second, thought I would lose if it won. lolololololol

My buddy passed away some years later, God love him, always in my heart.

Posted:25.02.2009, 14:20

We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here's a small list...

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving,
she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors,
you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty,
you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore...
So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

Posted:26.02.2009, 01:46

Two ladies died and went to heaven one had a mass heart the other one frozen to death the lady who had the heart attack explain she came home to find her husband cheating on her she search the house looking all over for the other women she just knew he was cheating and this cause a masses heart attack the other lady said if you had look in the freeze mayable we wouldn't be here.

**Moderator**

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