CLOSED $40 CASH to win! NoLuckNeeded's Best Joke contest

Posted:13.02.2009, 19:07

Another of my all-time favorites:

A big bad biker has a run-in with a car, and lands in the hospital with a severe concussion, and stays in a coma for some time.

The nurses and nurse's aids are all a twitter over the man's tattoo located on his winky. It says "Shorty".

Some six months later, a candy striper comes running to the nurses station and says to the RN on duty "You know that coma patient in 3B with the cute tattoo on his winky?"

The RN says "Yeah, so?"

The aid exclaims "Well, he woke up a few minutes ago when I was giving him a sponge bath, and it really says Shorty's Bar And Grill, Albuquerqe, New Mexico!"

Posted:15.02.2009, 23:25

LOL..so many these jobs I am determined to remember..until 2morrow when I try to tell one..i screw it all up by forgetting most of it..lol

So here's mine....

The new French Foreign Legion captain was assigned to a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there.

"Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women, and sir, sometimes the men have... ummm...urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."

The captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the captain starts having a real problem with his own urges, and asks the sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the captain stands on it, pulls down his pants and has sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"Uh, no sir," the sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town."

**Moderator**

LOLLLLLLLLLLLL

Posted:19.02.2009, 20:04

In Winnipeg last week, near Kenaston Blvd. it was snowing heavily and blowing to the
point that visibility was almost zero when Lena got off work. She made
her way to her car and wondered how she was going to get home. She sat in
her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She
remembered Ole's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should
wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get
stuck in a snow drift. Sure enough, in a little while, a snowplow went by
and she started to follow it. As she followed the snowplow, she felt
quite smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the
blizzard conditions. After some time had passed, she was somewhat
surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back
to her car and signaled her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver
wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a
long time. She said that she was fine and told him of Ole's advice to
follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it
was OK with him, and the blonde could continue if she wanted .. but he
was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Canadian
Tire next.

Posted:20.02.2009, 00:22

Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . . 600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . . please instruct!
Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot . . . repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in heaven . . ."

Posted:20.02.2009, 11:28

WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50 lb. program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door, and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

'If I catch you, you're mine.

Posted:20.02.2009, 11:35

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his
groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. Hurrying up to the man
she exclaimed "Please allow me to help, I'm a physical
therapist and I know I could ease your pain if you'd allow me" she told him.

"Oh no, I'll be all right in a few minutes," he replied. He was in obvious agony,
lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her
persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Posted:20.02.2009, 11:39

I thought I already told this one (an anecdote), but I can't find it again, so...

Someone who knows Roger Miller (the singer) very well, once said this about his wife: "Roger's wife is such a bad cook that the flies have taken up a collection to fix the screen door!"

Posted:20.02.2009, 11:46

Warning! Sexist content.

The elderly couple went to the clinic because the wife was feeling ill. The doctor on duty examined her thoroughly, ran a suite of tests, but came up empty. He even ran the symptoms through a database search, consulted his desk reference, a wall of books in his library.

Calling the husband into his office for a consultation, he told him "The best we can do is an educated guess about your wife is she either has HIV/AIDS or Altzheimer's. "
Husband: "So what do we do?"
Doc: "Take her out into the desert, and drop her off. If she walks back, don't screw with her!"

Posted:20.02.2009, 12:36

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

Posted:20.02.2009, 12:48

Old Lady Makes Bet
A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.

They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets."

The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet."

The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady says, "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"

"Sure," says the president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.

The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this.

The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them.

"Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, "What is wrong with your lawyer?"

She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of America's president's balls in my hands!"

Posted:20.02.2009, 12:52

okay this is so rated "G"....
Why was tigger looking in the toilet??
He was looking for Pooh...

Yeah I know its juvenile but what do you expect from a 3 yr old...

Posted:21.02.2009, 16:20

FONDLING IN BED

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways she hadn't felt in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hands down over her breasts and stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then he proceed up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, the suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch tv.

As she had become quite aroused by his caressing and foreplay, she asked in a loving voice "That was wonderful, why did you stop?"

He said, "I found the remote".

Posted:21.02.2009, 16:33

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table. When he wasn't looking, mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink. After a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, his trousers are wet all over.
'What happened, Grandpa?' asked his concerned grand children.
'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I noticed it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'

**Moderator**

TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS...

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SH*T."

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.