CLOSED $40 CASH to win! NoLuckNeeded's Best Joke contest

Posted:11.03.2009, 18:36

i had another funny joke,>
>
>
> > A lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on
> a long flight.
> > The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he
> could get over on them
> > easy... So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to
> play a fun game.
>
> > The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he
> politely declines
> > and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and
> says that the game
> > is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't
> know the answer, you
> > pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the
> answer, I will pay
> > you $500, he says. This catches the Irishman's attention
> and to keep the lawyer
> > quiet, he agrees to play the game.
>
> > The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance
> from The Earth to
> > the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his
> pocket pulls out a
> > five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
>
> > Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What
> goes up a hill with
> > three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his
> laptop and
> > searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends
> e-mails to all the
> > smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of
> searching he finally
> > gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500. The
> Irishman pockets the
> > $500 and goes right back to sleep.
>
> > The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes
> the Irishman up
> > and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and
> comes down with
> > four?'
>
> > The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5
> and goes back to
> > sleep

Posted:11.03.2009, 18:40

just 1 more joke!The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning. During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

**Moderator**

LOL!!! Funny stuff!!

Posted:11.03.2009, 21:04

ok I got another one

Sven and Olaf worked together in a Minnesota

factory.....and both were laid off. So...dey went

to the Unemployment Office together.

Asked his occupation, Olaf said, 'Panty stitcher.

I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties.'

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it

classified as unskilled labor, she gave Olaf $300

a week in unemployment compensation.

Sven, when asked his occupation replied,

'Diesel fitter.'

The clerk looked up diesel fitter...and it was

classified as a skilled job. So, the clerk

gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation.

When Olaf found this out, he was furious !

He

stormed back into the office to find out why

his friend and co-worker was collecting double

his benefits.

The clerk explained, 'Panty stitchers are

unskilled labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor.'

'Vat skill?' yelled Olaf. 'I sew da elastic on da

panties. Olaf puts dem over his head and says,

'Yah....... DIESEL FITTER.

Posted:11.03.2009, 23:21

ok bob and jack go out to the bar for a good time, thay party for a while and and bob ask jack for a light for his cigar, so jack hands him a lighter, its one of those long lighters, bob says to jack this is the bigest lighter i have ever seen, where did you get it he ask, jack says well its a funny store, i went to the bathroom and when i flushed the tolet out poped a genie and he granted me one wish, anyway thats where i got the lighter, bob said to jack do you think if it go to the bathroom and flush the genie will grant me a wish? jack replyed it cant hurt to try, so bob went to the bathroom and flushed and out poped the genie, you have 1 wish said the genie, bob though to himself i have only 1 wish, im not going to waste it on a lighter, so he tells the genie i wish to be covered in money, the genie replys, your wish has been granted, when you walk through the bathroom door your wish will come true, so bob walks through the door back into the bar, and he is covered in honey, from head to toe, he goes over to jack and says i dont understand what happen, i did what you said and look at me im covered in honey, jack ask him what did you wish for? and bob replyed money, to be covered in money from head to toe, then jack said oh did i forger to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing, you dident think i ask for a 10 inch bic did you?

Posted:11.03.2009, 23:32

there is a blond out in a dirt field in a row boat and she is rowing and rowing as fast as she can, on the road beside the dirt field along comes another blond in a convertible, when she sees the blond in the row boat she yells out to her, You know its blonds like you that make the rest of us look bad, and if i could swim i would come out there and beat your ass.

**Moderator**

This best joke contest closes tomorrow!

Posted:14.03.2009, 18:20

Signs that you're broke
Signs You're Really Broke

1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.

3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.

5. Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.

6. Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.

7. You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

8. You receive care packages from Europe.

9. Your bologna has no first name.

10. You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

11. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

12. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

13. You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.

14. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

15. Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No."

16. The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.

Posted:14.03.2009, 18:25

Pick Heaven or Hell
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."

Posted:14.03.2009, 18:32

Wedding Anniversary
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

Posted:14.03.2009, 18:40

**Moderator**

**Moderator**

This contest closes today!

**Moderator**

Posted:15.03.2009, 09:27

You Can't Say Your Tax Dollars Are Just "Wasted"...