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Joined: 11 Mar 2006
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Today* is YOUR Lucky day!
(*Unless you rolled your eyes when you read that. Hey, you gotta believe.)
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Age: 68
Joined: 26 Jul 2008
Posts: 234
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Location: cleveland
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 calling all webmasters,, link us to the crazy glue.if youre only as old as you feel why cant i retire yet..if i ever make it on wheel of fortune im taking my own vowels , im not paying 250.00 expecially for a u
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Age: 68
Joined: 26 Jul 2008
Posts: 234
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Location: cleveland
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 why dosent a chicken wear pants, answer , because his pecker is on his head
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Joined: 11 Mar 2006
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« oldtimer » wrote: why dosent a chicken wear pants, answer , because his pecker is on his head
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Age: 65
Joined: 12 Sep 2006
Posts: 216
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12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
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Joined: 11 Mar 2006
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I got a date, back home late.
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Age: 65
Joined: 12 Sep 2006
Posts: 216
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Good Luck!
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Age: 62
Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 3690
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Location: Minnesota
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Poker?
You poke her - you brought her!
Q: How do you get a professional poker player off your porch?
A: Pay him for the Pizza.
Q: What's the difference between a large cheese pizza and a poker player?
A: A large cheese pizza can feed a family of 4, a poker player can't.
Q: What is the difference between a poker player and a dog.
A: In about ten years the dog quits whinning.
Q: How can you tell a poker player is lying?
A: His chips are moving.
Q: What is the difference between a poker room and a church?
A: When you pray in a poker room, you really mean it!!
Q: Why didn't the elephant like to play cards in the jungle?
A: Because there were too many cheetahs.
There are TWO rules for ultimate success in poker: 1. Never tell everything you know.....
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DON'T WORRY ~  ~ BE HAPPY!!!
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Age: 62
Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 3690
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Location: Minnesota
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« webdeb » wrote: Here's my offerings:
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
These are great!
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Age: 69
Joined: 16 Jun 2008
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Location: Las Vegas, NV
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As a life-long resident of Las Vegas, I'm used to seeing the billboards advertising entertainers at the various casinos. Well, one day my son and I passed a billboard advertising Ian Bagg, a stand-up comedian, and David burst out laughing. Once the tears stopped rolling down his cheeks, and he was able to speak without sputtering, he said, "I sure wouldn't want to live under his apartment or I'd have to live with a bag over my head all the time!"
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You're just jealous because the voices talk to me!
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A Guide to U.S. Newspapers
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1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
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Cows & Politics Explained
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
Blessed are those that laugh.... from ....
Expired Link. Check out our Casino Bonus Forum for a list of current bonuses.
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Last edited by TDTAT on 04.05.2009, 15:04; edited 1 time in total
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Only in America.....
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Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Blessed are those that laugh.... from ....
Expired Link. Check out our Casino Bonus Forum for a list of current bonuses.
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Age: 51
Joined: 06 Nov 2008
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My favorite one liner is from a little known movie called Brain Donors:
Two's company...three's an adult movie
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Is that OK?
