CLOSED | Best One Liner Jokes | Free Joke Contest | $30

"Gambling is the future on the internet. You can only look at so many dirty pictures."

"Gambling itself will only end when human nature has changed completely and there are no more bets to win."

Okay,
I think either, they were out of 'lowfat' blueberry muffins or I just forgot to look for them!!!!!
Because, I still ended up at the doughnut shop... and, came home with 2
doughnuts. (would have been 3, had I not eaten one on the way home!)

These are 'clean' one liners... (if you want not so clean.. send me a request, via pm )


Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.


Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.


Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.


Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.


Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.


Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.


Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.


Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.


Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

By DJ Coffman

You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When

1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
2. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
3. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
4. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
5. You lick your coffeepot clean.
6. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
7. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
8. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
9. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
10. You can jump-start your car without cables.
11. All your kids are named "Joe."
12. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
13. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
14. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
15. People get dizzy just watching you.
16. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
17. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
18. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
19. You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
20. Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
21. Instant coffee takes too long.
22. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
23. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
24. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
25. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
26. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
27. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
28. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
29. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
30. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
31. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
32. You don't tan, you roast.
33. You can't even remember your second cup.
34. You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
35. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."