CLOSED | Best One Liner Jokes | Free Joke Contest | $30

Posted:18.04.2009, 07:49

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

**Moderator**

maybenexttime777, LOL!!!

Posted:18.04.2009, 11:02

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.

**Moderator**

Prowan52, AWESOME LIST!!! SOOOOOOOOO FUNNY!

Posted:18.04.2009, 16:07

"I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to do"

**Moderator**

Posted:18.04.2009, 17:53

Baseball is wrong, a man with 4 balls cannot walk.

Posted:18.04.2009, 18:04

I found a few that I thought were good ~

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.

If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...

If At First You Don't Succeed . . . Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it onthe cost of living.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Equality!! If men and women were created equal, a judge in capital crime cases would have to make sure that women were hung like men

What do you call the children of couch potatoes? Tator Tots

I don't understand how I got over the hill! -- without ever being on top

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Posted:18.04.2009, 18:27

Worry is a Waste of Imagination!

**Moderator**

gjr1961, OMG, Those are making me dye laughing!!!

**Moderator**

You have your Gods and I have mine. Bill from King of the Hill

Posted:19.04.2009, 00:03

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

Posted:19.04.2009, 06:07

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

Posted:19.04.2009, 06:33

Girls are like internet domain names...
The ones I like are already taken.

**Moderator**

You guys are toooo funny!