Age: 36
Joined: 13 Dec 2011
Posts: 46
Likes: 43
Location: New York
205780.00 NLN Dollars
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I know everything about addiction, I have over two years clean, but at one point when I was young and stupid I had a co-signed credit card with my mom and spent 10g in a month on poker I went here http://nongambler.com/ , I still gamble but If I spend 40+ dollars in amount that is high rolling for me, but I had a roughly 8 year drug addiction, and this place is expensive, but even if you dont have a dime in your pocket, he will admit you and let you pay it off as you can, they have specialists there, and its very relaxing, and I'll be honest just like when I went to detox for the 7th and final time well I shouldnt say that but for today my final time, It's good to have your peers there, not only that but the chef cooks great, I used to help him out, and they have a gym, and a massage therapist that comes in once-twice a week (the purpose of that being, there is better things in life you can spend your money on), on top of that you have a therapist, a hypnotherpyst (which if you havent done, is sooooooooo relaxing, and it really works, not like you think where you lose total control and do anything he tells you to do, but you are in the ultimate state of relaxation, and being under for 30-45 mins makes you feel like you have just got the best night of sleep in your life). Not only that, all the staff are great, all ex gamblers, with some stories that made my little 10g I spent on acredit card look like buying a .50cents mid-day numbers), they also had an anger management therapist which I skipped and helped the chef (who owned a 5 star restaurant because that relaxed me, and anger management pissed me off), the guy who owns it is not just rich, he is FU money rich, he would gamble 25,000 a hole golf, and gamble on businesses, and the staff had people who used to work $300,000+ a year, and would still have to steal company money to play, one of the counslers (I dont think he was there anymore, but he was an ex NFL player, and he told us, he would blow games because he was more focused on the other games scores shown on the score board because he had a ton of money on them, it got so bad he wrote a ton of bad checks in vegas, and spent years in various federal prisons, so the staff has been to hell and back and rock bottom, and dug some more and hit a new bottom and so on. I have spent less than 1000 on every kind of gambling since I went there and this was 3-4 years ago. Almost a year after I left, (I originally hurt my back got hooked on pain killers, which eventually led to me using IV heroin), and he called me and asked me how have you been, and I say "I haven't gambled since I left, but im not sure if I would or not because all my money goes to buying heroin, and he told me (the owner f the place), "that anytime you need help, call me up and get down here asap", well in the next 9 days I got arrested in Patterson, NJ (if anyone knows NJ, they know how drug infested and disgusting it is there, my passanger, showed the officer where all the drugs were, 50 bags and said they were for him, I sat in a cell for about 3-4 hours and my passanger talked to the officer and somehow we didn't go to jail, the next week Im sitting in a section 8 neighborhood, a white kid, with his car on just sitting there, they pulled me out and searched my car illegally and after 2 hours found a syringe hidden (in my car there was a cover over where the passanger air bag was, and they were about to leave, and they looked there, it didn't help I had $500, in $20's on me, they took me in, gave me a court date and let me go (this was in NY), two days later he pulls me over, while im driving, and he says get out of the car, I said "Why are you searching my car, you have no probable cause, and I dont even know why I got arrested, and he said it doesn't f'ing matter, I don't need a reason unless I dont find anything, At this time I gave up, I had someone in the car, and I say officer, Ill spare you the time if you let my friend call my mom to bail me out and Ill go to rehab tommorow (I was planning on quiting the next day anyways, I was in college, sold all my books, never went to class, just made money for next fix all day, and I'll tell you rock bottom, when you go to a store, and see normal people shopping, and you have to scrape up change off the floor to get a .99cent Arizona ice tea, and you come back to the car, and you burst into tears and wish and say god if there is a god out there why, why did I turn out like this, my bottom was when my family disowned me, because I would steal jewlery or other expensive things passed down to them or stuff they had to pay for drugs, and when your hygene comes last, when your using a syringe for the tenth time because you dont have a $1 to spare for another one, and its as dull as a butter knife, and you force it anyways, when your in the bathroom my friends or I should say old aquaintsances that I used to know, would say it looked like I had got shot, because all the blood I would have from not being able to fine a vein, If anyone saw drive, I was a great driver like that, but what was getting stolen was 300-2000 max, split 3-4 ways, me getting the least because I wasn't inside doing the crime. Sorry to get so graphic but if you wanted a clear cut example of rock bottom, but I wasn't done yet, I detoxed for 2-3 days at my aunts house because my family didnt want anything to do with me, I remember sleeping in my cousins old room, (and I kid you not, if you told me right now what would you rather have, the pain of cancer mixed with kemo or the pain of withdrawling of heroin especially the quantity and way I used it, I would have taken cancer, and taken it gladly, I remember being freezing cold, then I would be sweating my ass off, your legs burn worse than if you did 1000 squats the day before and stuck knives all in them, your depressed to the point where you contiplate if life is still worth living, your head has a migraine with a migraine for the migraine, your body aches, you puke bile, your heart is racing, you have anxiety over everything, then all the bad things you've done hit you all at once, because your not high and you feel a feeling of guilt that is undescribeable, you keep asking yourself why? why do I keep going down this path?, I took a 26 hour train ride (there were some major delays, to virgina and stayed there, and if he never called me and if I hadn't gotten arrested its very likely I would be dead, but it slowed me down didn't stop me, I went to south florida after that, stayed in rehab for a month and a half (which at the time felt like forever and this was a nice place), I got a job as a commodities broker, and just a little back round on South Florida at least in 2008-early 2009, there is more rehabs/half way houses in the palm beach area per square mile than any other place in the world, I was clean for 3 months, when one of my co-worker baught a pain killer off another co-worker, I ended up buying one. That set me off, and where there is a lot of people recovering from drugs, there is a lot of people relapsing from drugs. South Florida compared to New York/ New Jersey(which I thought was bad with drugs) is 20x as bad, the drugs such as painkillers are 10% the cost of NY, there is a pain clinic on every corner, its so bad that the windows are tinted at a lot of these places, and theres security out front so people don't get robbed. I went from knowing a kid who new a kid, to having 15 connects in 10 days, on top of that my boy and I switched jobs, (he mades over mill 3 years in a row prior to losing his trading liscence FYI if you ever get a sales call, whether it be loan modification, debt settlement, time share re-sale, or any sort of investment and the call is from florida HANG UP! its a boiler room hot bed. Anyways I was making $2000 on a bad week doing time-share re-sale, getting a ride to work in a mustang that was baught plain, with 100gs+ put into it, it was super duper charged, a Cervini Bodykit which I will post a picture of, a flip up screen that was almost as big as a laptop screen that played sirius/xm, music videos, Gps, dvds etc, and a sound system that you could here all the way up in New York lol jk but it boomed, tinted windows, black and red leather and custom inside, and a radar detector built into the dash that would not only beep, but show where it was coming from, the car was the cross between a muscle car owners/and a car media owners dream, 1200hp and 20'' rims, ill attatch a picture of one that looked almost the same (if you ever have seen the show pinks, it was made by one of the people who are on its custom car place), and the engine omg, this car made Lamborghini and Ferraris look like KIA's in a race. Anyways enough of that back to my story, I had the connects, we had a ton of cash, he had the car (I got lucky enough to drive it a few times, and theres nothing like driving along the coast, seeing the ocean, some huge mansions, one of Donald Trumps Castles of a home, and blasting music, and I also drove his Audi Convertible a few times, that was sick too, but what Im getting at, was I lived the life...... Untill.... Pills were so cheap down there, especially because I knew a few people who I payed for their visit $150, and their scripts (because they went to like 5 doctors a month) and my habit went from 5 a day to about 25 a day (30mg oxycodone roxies or blues there known as), I remember getting kicked out of a halfway house I was in, the house manager offered me drugs, and then said if I didn't pay $150 (my rent for the week, he would report a dirty urin to the owner on me) so I payed him, told the owner I paid him the money, he didn't beleive me and I got the boot. Thank god two weeks earlier I applied for a credit card, I had good credit from being co-signed with parents when I was young, and never had my own till then), so I paid for a shady looking motel, and had just paid for this girls script and had 150 roxies and 50 xanax (a combination which has killed many people, the main way people OD on prescription drugs is by mixing them) and this hotel was the Ideal place to die, no house cleaning while you stay there, all alone except for the occasional booty call and enough drugs to kill me 3x over. I somehow lived, I did 150 of the roxies and baught 10 more so 40 a day over 40 days, just to give you an idea, if you have a serious illness like cancer, they may give 40mg 2-3 a day and eventually 80mg a day 2-3 a day when the pain gets bad so 240mg, I did 1200mg 4 days in a row, but only 1 of the xanax a day (I knew I could die so I didn't mix them to much, but I still did 40 a day, its funny how addicts think and justify their actons). Something started happening with my job, they would send us home and we would see 10-20 black government looking suv's pull in, they started paying us on a 2week delay, I quit soon after I could sense what was about to happen, this is what happened if you want to see read this article http://www.palmbeachpost.com/money/palm-beach-county-the-focus-of-resale-probe-480971.html , and I was actually clean for a month after that 4day binge I did, but I moved into a drug dealers house, so it was only a matter of time... I eventually came home, and one time 2 of my friends were dope sick, they sniffed it, I did it IV, and I told them they could only have it if they shot it (and when your withdrawaling your not yourself, you will do things you would never do or think of doing, IE robbing family members, using needles, etc) and they both did, I came home to New York, and had 2 weeks clean, and then I went out on my birthday, it was then I realized the carnage I had created, those two who I had shoot, (once you do it thatway, you dont do it any other way) they conviced 5 more people, and those 5 conviced 30 people and so on, Misery loves company. I saw it as a way to make money, I was one of the few people with connects and a car, so between charging people for rides, making money off this kids parents I knew, they baught 50-60 bags a day everyday and I made 120 off of them, I couldve made more, but greed can end up biting you in the ass, so I was doing 20-30 bags a day, now im not religous, but with how things have worked out in my life I beleive there is something up their because I should be dead, at least 100x over, my life is a freeroll everyday, and Im very greatfull for that, the reason I say that is because I got arrested for a few petty things but what brought me down was something I never even did. This kid I know, had a check, it had his name and his address, he said can you cash this for me I lost my ID, (I was giving him a ride to go cop, so I did it for him, and thaught nothing of it.) Well little did I know he had the same name as his father, he was john doe jr for example, and he told his father that me and 2 others broke into his house and stole his checks. I get a call from the state troopers (I live in a small town, I played little league baseball with his nephew and his son) and he said Ill give you a day to turn yourself in, otherwise your going to jail. To make matters worse, the paper said my name, and two others names, and said we broke into a house and stole checks, forged them and used the money for our heroin addictions (small town remember so everyone knows everyone put 2and2 together). I turned myself in, and went to see the judge, my bail was like 1000 bail or bond, and normally you can pay it, but the a-hole judge wouldnt take it, and It was the first and hopefully the last time I was in jail. I had done so much wrong and had been pulled over so many times riding dirty, when I was in high school I sold drugs and made 3gs+ a week, and yet never went to jail, and they all knew I sold (the cops, I got searched 23 times in two months and they never found anything  ) but thank god for my parents, they knew I didn't do it, and put up the bail for me. I told them I was getting high again, and had to go to detox, I was in detox in for 4 days, you have bad withdrawls for about 72-100hours after you quit, you feel like crap but not as bad for a week after, and you feel sick in some way or another for over a month, you don't sleep properly without medication for 2 months, and you dont have constant thoughts about using for about 3 months. This was my 6th time to a rehab or detox, my parents didn't want me at home, so it was either a shelter, (or other family, but I would find trouble their too), so I ended up going to a Brooklyn Theraputic Community called Phoenix House, my 7th detox/or rehab by the time I was 22. This place made you clean non stop, sit through groups, wake up early, earn your way to do normal things, like go out for a walk, work, go home for a visit, its a place to break you mentally. This place was famous, Beyonce Donated a ton of money to set up a cosmotology class, (they offered trades you could learn), and she would show up from time to time. This place wasn't in the beautiful southern Florida area by the beech, or the peacefull calm mansion in the woods in Virginia where you can escape and work on yourself with no distraction this was a state run facility, around the corner was the projects, hearing gun shots was common, it's a place they send people instead of prision because it costs the state 50-60thousand$ a year per person less to send them here instead of prison. I was one of about 25 who werent court mandated, although I was on probation from the patterson incident, and still had this felony charge hanging over my head, and that always looks good for court. Im not racist at all, but I was one of 7 white people their, the only one who didn't shave their head and be a wanna be neo-nazi, the other 293 where all puerto rican and black, and I wasn't from the city, so It was a new experience for me. I had a lot of friends there though, its crazy, when your out there doing drugs you think drug dealers are living the life, about 90% of the people there were court manded drug dealers, and once your all in their together you find out they have led screwed up lives as well, and I was 22, the second youngest there, the oldest was in his 60-70s. I spent 7 months there (remember I said 1.5 months in the nice "Vacation rehab" I call it now felt like forever lol), and they didn't break me, they didn't teach me anything I hadn't heard 10x over in other rehabs, what it did do was make realize because at the time when I was 22, I thought I threw my life away, and it was to late to get back on my feet lol, well when a 70yr old who had stayed at a place like this more time throughout his life, than I had been on this planet, it made me realize that it wasnt to late. On top of that this place was an old paint warehouse or some sort of warehouse, and it had no AC, the year I was there It was the hottest summer I could remember, and there was no AC, even 4 fans couldn't give much releif when its 100 degrees outside and hotter inside. Some people where mandated their for 2-3 years, but 7 months was long enough for me, out of all the places I had been to, all the specialists I had seen, all the sponsors I had, and all the AA, NA meetings couldn't give me what I really needed, time to reflect, and get a job and work their for 2-3 months while still getting drug tested weekly, it allowed me to get the thought of doing drugs out of my head with plenty of time after to stay there, it showed me that if I keep doing what im doing, I would one day have kids and a wife visiting me in a place like that, if my "pass" got approved, I would miss holidays(they wouldn't let anyone out on holidays), It made me never want to go back to a place like that ever ever again, (I remember when I first got there, I felt like crap, I was still withdrawling for my first month, even after a week at detox and a couple days at my aunts house, and I got the flu with a sore throat, as soon I was done withdrawaling and was sick for 2 weeks more, so about 2 months I was sick, and remember watching the airplanes flying out of JFK or Laguardia and saying Im going to something with my life, I had one semister at Arizona State University I had straight A's almost, and got Mono and didn't go to class all next semister, which got me hooked on online poker originally, (I applied to 10 schools around the country some fairly hard to get into, and got accepted everwhere, Im very smart, but made very stupid decisions, plus I have ADD, anxiety disorder, Panic disorder, and slight depression, and addiction on both sides of my family, all that create a massive increase to be an addict, and impulsive, even now Im a workaholic, I work, I do surveys and other things online for money, and write casino reviews for cash, my first addiction was excercising, probably the best one I had, but it's always something). Anyways I ended up beating the charge, because I said I would take a handwriting test, and eventually it came out the kid who said I did it, his father realized it was his son who had done it, and dropped the charges, and the kid landed in prison from something else, its funny how karma works out, but to do everything from sell drugs, have guns on me at all times, except school, robbed people, drove people to commit robberies, and the one thing that led to me not touching drugs since then, except a two weeks on xanax(my business I co-owned, put everything I had into it, and my parents put in alot, my partner used the money for personal uses, and one of the managers stole 20gs in merchandise, and I found this out on the same day, that everything was taken from me, its a feeling I cant explain, its like theres a physical feeling of pressure like the atmosphere is falling on you, the world is spinning, you cant breathe, I was going to run him over with my car, and swerved over at the last second because he has 3 kids, otherwise, I probably wouldn't be writing this, I conteplated suicide, the xanax was the only thing that made the panic attacks bearable, and the crazy thing is, I had an inclination something was up, because when you lie and steal when your in the throws of addiction you pick up on when people are lying or conning you, and instead of confronting him sooner, I took his word, and the fact I got conned was either a life lesson or poetic justice either way, I never used xanax much and stopped after two weeks and flushed the rest of the script(it was prescribed, I didn't buy it), but I havent used opiates (heroin, or painkillers) since March 2010, I never drank, I can count on one hand how many times ive been drunk I never smoked weed, I spend no more than $40 on online gambling or the occasional Mega Millions or Powerball, in a month.
****I wrote this for one reason, not to gloat, not to sound like a badass, I wrote all my personal information that happend to me, when it came to addiction, both gambling and drugs (a lot of people have more than 1 addiction, I still smoke, thats the toughest to kick lol) but what I wanted to portray is that if I can do it anyone can, I know a lot of people say that but I mean it. I was 19-20years old when I stole a credit card to spend 10,000 online on gambling, and I forgot to mention I said to my parents when they confronted me, "if im such a F**K up, Im leaving and never coming back, and they took my keys" so I just started walking, and they called the cops, thinking I meant I was going to kill myself lol well not that funny because NY state law says I can be placed in a psych ward for 72 hours if someone says im suicidal, and that was an awfull place, I was to scared to sleep, the other guy in the room was saying he has been in a place like this for the last 20 years, so I wasnt sure if he killed people or what, and I almost made a huge mistake, I called my parents and said you better get me out of here before I kill someone, you know a figure of speech, except in a place like that they take it seriously, and wanted to keep me there for 2 more weeks, thank god my dad knew the NYS rules, and got me out. So im 24, im sure im younger than most, but Ive seen and done enough for 5 lifetimes. I was doing some survey for money at 7pm on a friday night, it took about an hour and a half and I made $10 visa card(which is a lot more than they pay ussually, there ussually 1-3 dollars) but I remember laughing and saying, if this was 8 years ago, I would've made $400 dealing in an hour on a friday, and another $25 delivering pizza. I know this was long, and most won't read it, but if I could strike a cord with just one person, the time I spent writing this will be worth it, I have screwed up a lot of peoples lives, or at least contributed to it, that any chance I get to help someone, I do. Remember the website for the place in Virginia is nongambling.org,
pic of Mustang
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Welcome to the site.
i have to admit that's how i found this site, it was a great refresher and it's taught me to moderate... thanks
