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PostPosted:11.12.2016, 07:47 Reply with quoteBack to top

The Best Gambling Jokes and Funny Gambling Quotes
Top 10 Gambling Jokes and Funny Gambling Quotes assembled by NoLuckNeeded.com.
Please share your funny gambling jokes below in the comment section.

If you like poker, check out NoLuckNeeded's huge list of The Best Poker Jokes & Funny Poker Quotes

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My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler. I’d do anything to win her back.

Chuck-E-Cheese, because it’s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling.

Gambling has brought my family closer together. We had to move to a smaller house.

They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. My money’s on Dave.

I'll bet you $100 I could quit gambling.

More people would call gambling addiction hotlines if they made every seventh caller a winner.

What’s the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino? In a casino, you really mean it.

How do you make 50 nice church ladies curse like sailors? Yell "bingo".

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Susan, pack up your things. I just won a $50,000 at the casino!” Susan replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?” The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”

I'm in Vegas last week and a guy is standing in front of the Shoe and he appears to be pan handling. I wander by and he say's to me "Sir, my wife has died, but I need money to bury her. Can you help me out?" I get a bit huffy and say back to him "Why should I give you money. You're just going to take it and go gambling!" He looks at me and says " You got it all wrong, I've got gambling money!"

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation. The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!" The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers "hit me light or hit me hard", and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!" The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an a$$ full of quarters."

Q: How do you make a fortune out of bitcoin gambling?
A: Don’t make a bet and wait for bitcoin to rise.

Q: How do you lose a fortune while bitcoin gambling?
A: Don’t make a bet and wait for bitcoin to tank.

I just bet £100 at the bookies that they would find Maddie, at 1000-1 odds. That way, if they ever do find her, I’ll be able to afford a good lawyer.

A bum asks a man for five dollars. The man says, “Will you buy booze?” The bum says, “No.” The man says, “Will you gamble it away?” The bum says, “No.” So the man says, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

A group of men bet $1000 on which of their girlfriends would win a 50 meter breaststroke swimming race. The brunette came in first; the redhead came in second and the blonde was last. When the blond’s boyfriend told her about the wager she said: ”I don’t want to be a tattle-tale or anything, but the other two used their arms.”

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. After several minutes an older worker had had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to haul back in the wheelbarrow.” “You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.” The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man and said, “All right. Get in.”

Live Chat Support: May I have your casino username Sir?
Player: My username is Daffy Pluto Mickey Minnie Donald Road Runner Speedy Gonzalez London.
Live Chat Support: Wow, why do you have a username like that?
Player: You guys told me it had to be 6 characters long and include a capital!

An older gentleman is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."

A man walks into a butcher’s shop and asks the butcher: “Are you a gambling man?” The butcher says “Yes”, so the man said: “I bet you $10 that you can’t reach up and touch that Beef hanging on the hooks up there.” The butcher says “I’m not betting on that.” “But I thought you were a gambling man” the man retorts. “Yes I am” says the butcher “but the steaks are too high.

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me." "OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight."

A man walks into the bar of a sportsbook and says to the barman “I’ll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop”. The bartender pondered the bet “OK, you’re on”. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me $500! ” The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet the guys in the sportsbook $1000 each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!”

At the psychology university, the teacher that just finished a long lecture about mental health wanted to do a quick oral quiz for the students. The course was about manic depression, so the question of the teacher was: What diagnose would you give to a person that sits quietly and minds their own business calmly and after that, all of a sudden, they started swearing the next minute all over the place? A young student raised her hand and answered: "Bingo Player".

"I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol, and wild women. The other half I wasted."
- W.C. Fields

"Dear Lord, help me to break even. I need the money."
-Anonymous

"Trust everyone but always cut the cards."
- Benny Binion

"I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind."
- Steve Allen

“Gambling is not as destructive as war or as boring as pornography. It is not as immoral as business or as depressing as watching television. And the percentages are better than religion.”
– Mario Puzo

"The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable that I assume it must be evil."
- Heywood Hale Broun

"It's unlucky to be superstitious."
- Dave Enteles, Card Player

"Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the common-sensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage."
- Gloria Steinem

“The only business in the world bigger than gambling is religion…but gambling is not nearly so corrupt.”
– J. R. Miller

"I must complain the cards are ill shuffled till I have a good hand."
- Jonathan Swift (1728)

"In Louisiana, we don't bet on football games, we bet on whether a politician is going to be indicted or not."
- Mark Duffy

"A Gentleman is a man who will pay his gambling debts even when he knows he has been cheated."
- Leo Tolstoy

"If you ain't just a little scared when you enter a casino, you are either very rich or you haven't studied the games enough."
- VP Pappy

"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
- Stephen Wright

"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
- Steven Wright

"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket."
- Kin Hubbard

"No dog can go as fast as the money you bet on him."
- Bud Flanagan

"The best throw with the dice is to throw them away."
- Anonymous

"In the case of an earthquake hitting Las Vegas, be sure to go straight to the Keno Lounge. Nothing ever gets hit there."
- Unknown

"I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five."
- Henny Youngman

"A race track is a place where windows clean people."
- Danny Thomas

"Nobody has ever bet enough on a winning horse."
- Richard Sasuly

"You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people."
- Will Rogers

"One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him."
- Jeffrey Bernard

“You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from.”
— Cormac McCarthy

"A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time."
- Unknown

"Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people."
- W. C. Fields

"Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed."
- Mark Twain

Money isn't everything … unless you're playing in a rebuy tournament.
- Anonymous

What are vampires playing blackjack for? High stakes.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A rash of good luck

Q: How can you get a professional gambler off your balcony?
A: Just pay him for the Pizza!

Why is a man like a deck of cards? Because you need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to smash his head in, and a spade to bury the bastard.

What did the giraffe say to the lion at the black jack table?
Answer: I thought you were a cheetah.

Some cowboys were playing poker in an Old West saloon. One of them laid down the winning hand, and another jumped up, yelling, “He’s cheatin! He aint playin the cards I dealt him!”

In a book store:
“I am looking for the book about 'How to win at Keno."
Clerk says: “Check the science fiction section.”

Gambling jokes are like butt cracks- everyone has one and they all stink.

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven. Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder... "Want to make a bet while we wait?" The Gambler asks. "If I can guess your last words in three tries, you have to let me cut ahead of you."

The old man, having nothing better to do, agrees. Immediately, the gambler begins "reading" him like the pro player he is. He notices the elderly Asian man's shirt is open, exposing a pair of defibrillator marks. "Don't be silly, it's just indigestion." the gambler remarks. The old man looks a bit surprised, then steps aside, giving up his place in line.

Next, the gambler taps on a redneck's shoulder. He makes the same bet, and the redneck also accepts. "This one's easy!" the gambler smirks, sizing up the bruised, bloody, grass stained redneck with the caved in skull. "Hold my beer!" Muttering profanities, the redneck begrudgingly steps aside and gives up his place in line.

Riding the high of a hot streak, the gambler wastes no time tapping the next man ahead of him on the shoulder. He quickly makes the same bet, and is ecstatic when the agreement is made. "Okay, let's see..." The gambler studies the new mark carefully. He's a large, imposing black man riddled with several bullet holes. The gambler holds his hand out like a gun. "You ain't taking me alive!" The man shakes his head. Wrong. The gambler strokes his chin. The guy is giving him nothing else to work with. The gambler holds the 'gun' sideways, makes a mean face, and shouts, "Fuck the police!" Wrong again. The gambler's getting frustrated, now. He's never been unable to read someone before. Finally, the gambler throws his hands in the air. "I'VE GOT NOTHING!" He shouts. "I GIVE UP!" The man steps aside.


"Royal Flush"
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"Slots"
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Last edited by TDTAT on 31.08.2018, 06:16; edited 7 times in total
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PostPosted:11.12.2016, 15:13 Reply with quoteBack to top

Laughing Laughing Good ones! I think a lot of these quotes we all could say at least once.
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PostPosted:11.12.2016, 17:41 Reply with quoteBack to top

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An excellent collection!

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PostPosted:12.12.2016, 18:42 Reply with quoteBack to top

At the psychology university, the teacher that just finished a long lecture about mental health wanted to do a
quick oral quiz for the students. The course was about manic depression, so the question of the teacher was:
What diagnose would you give to a person that sits quietly and minds their own business calmly and after
that, all of a sudden, they started swearing the next minute all over the place?

The answer coming from a young student that just raised her hand was: "Bingo Player".

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PostPosted:13.12.2016, 06:44 Reply with quoteBack to top

gjr1961, I love it! I'm going to add it to the list. Laughing
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PostPosted:25.01.2017, 13:03 Reply with quoteBack to top

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation. The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!" The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers "hit me light or hit me hard", and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!" The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an a$$ full of quarters." Last edited by TomBB on 25.01.2017, 13:17; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted:25.01.2017, 13:08 Reply with quoteBack to top

TomBB, HAHAHAAH! That's hilarious! Welcome to noluckneeded.com. I think you'll fit in just fine.

Laughing

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PostPosted:30.01.2017, 17:13 Reply with quoteBack to top

That is funny TomBB lol Smile
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PostPosted:30.01.2017, 18:07 Reply with quoteBack to top

OMG, Tom, that was funny.
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PostPosted:15.09.2017, 05:33 Reply with quoteBack to top

nice quotes
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PostPosted:15.09.2017, 11:31 Reply with quoteBack to top

Funny Tom!!!!!!
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TDTAT
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PostPosted:06.03.2018, 05:43 Reply with quoteBack to top

Here's a new gambling joke I found. It's long.


A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?" The Gambler asks. "If I can guess your last words in three tries, you have to let me cut ahead of you."

The old man, having nothing better to do, agrees. Immediately, the gambler begins "reading" him like the pro player he is. He notices the elderly Asian man's shirt is open, exposing a pair of defibrillator marks.

"Don't be silly, it's just indigestion." the gambler remarks. The old man looks a bit surprised, then steps aside, giving up his place in line.

Next, the gambler taps on a redneck's shoulder. He makes the same bet, and the redneck also accepts.

"This one's easy!" the gambler smirks, sizing up the bruised, bloody, grass stained redneck with the caved in skull. "Hold my beer!"

Muttering profanities, the redneck begrudgingly steps aside and gives up his place in line.

Riding the high of a hot streak, the gambler wastes no time tapping the next man ahead of him on the shoulder. He quickly makes the same bet, and is ecstatic when the agreement is made.

"Okay, let's see..." The gambler studies the new mark carefully. He's a large, imposing black man riddled with several bullet holes.

The gambler holds his hand out like a gun. "You ain't taking me alive!"

The man shakes his head. Wrong. The gambler strokes his chin. The guy is giving him nothing else to work with.

The gambler holds the 'gun' sideways, makes a mean face, and shouts, "Fuck the police!"

Wrong again. The gambler's getting frustrated, now. He's never been unable to read someone before.

Finally, the gambler throws his hands in the air. "I'VE GOT NOTHING!" He shouts. "I GIVE UP!"

The man steps aside.

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PostPosted:31.08.2018, 06:14 Reply with quoteBack to top

Thanks to webdeb for these new jokes!

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