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Age: 65
Joined: 04 Oct 2004
Posts: 1487
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Location: north carolina
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A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, 'No, I was thinking about the time before our nuptuals. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!'
Picture The Bride 
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yes my 2 daughters i love them very much
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Age: 65
Joined: 04 Oct 2004
Posts: 1487
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Location: north carolina
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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
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yes my 2 daughters i love them very much
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Age: 65
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Posts: 1487
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Location: north carolina
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While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."
"When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion," she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.
"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?"
"Oh that, " his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!"
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yes my 2 daughters i love them very much
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| Taser: self test........hysterical |
Age: 67
Joined: 08 Sep 2007
Posts: 96
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A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety.
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.
Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION !!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, "the boys" nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
OMG!!!!that hurt like HECK!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
Still in shock, Earl
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Joined: 08 Jun 2009
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Location: Elkhorn, California
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Allergies
An older gentleman sits down on an airplane next to a young attractive woman and attempts to get comfortable for the long International flight ahead.
Not too long after take off he is already able to sleep,however he kept being awoken by the sneeezes of his travelmate. After awhile he began to notice an odd pattern with her. As he watched out of the corner of his eye (so he would not appear to be staring) she would repeatedly put her hand up to her face, sneeze violently and then would take a tissue and discreetly wipe between her legs.
After quite some period of time, she caught him watching her and rushed to explain.
" I'm terribly sorry but I have an extremely rare medical condition. Everytime I sneeze I have an orgasm"
"Oh no!" he replied, "Are you taking anything for it?"
"Oh yes" she smiled, "PEPPER" !
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| (No subject) |
Age: 112
Joined: 23 Apr 2009
Posts: 417
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Location: here behind my computer screen peekaboo
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DORMITORY:?
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:?
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:?
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:?
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:???
When you rearrange the letters:?
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:?
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE?:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:?
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:?
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:?
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:?
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:?
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:?
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:?
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:?
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:?
WOMAN HITLER?
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Joined: 11 Mar 2006
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« Mullac » wrote: DORMITORY:?
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:?
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:?
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:?
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:???
When you rearrange the letters:?
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:?
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE?:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:?
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:?
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:?
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:?
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:?
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:?
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:?
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:?
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:?
WOMAN HITLER?
OMG! These are hilarious!
Especially: SLOT MACHINES:?
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
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Age: 54
Joined: 29 Aug 2007
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A lion a bear and a Pig were sitting around chatting one day. The lion says, I am so awesomely frightening that whenever I roar in the jungle.... all animals run and hide in fear for their lives!!!
The Bear then says... aww please.. whenever I roar in the forest ... all animals become paralyzed with great fear!!!
Then the Pig says...
THE HECK WITH BOTH YOU LOSERS.... ALL I GOTTA DO IS COUGH AND THE ENTIRE WORLD FREAKS OUT!!!
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| (No subject) |
Age: 112
Joined: 23 Apr 2009
Posts: 417
Likes: 29
Location: here behind my computer screen peekaboo
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these irish guys have just finished installing the poles called bollards so people can't park on the sidewalk , umm how long do you think it will take them to realise they can't get out
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Age: 76
Joined: 30 Aug 2007
Posts: 1601
Likes: 1796
Location: Texas
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The Las Vegas Cab Ride
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?" "What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
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« Mullac » wrote: these irish guys have just finished installing the poles called bollards so people can't park on the sidewalk , umm how long do you think it will take them to realise they can't get out
OMG that is funny!
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Age: 41
Joined: 22 Jun 2009
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Location: Ca.
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Hope this joke doesn't offend anyone. A lady name Jen Wong is going into labor. Her husband Lee Wong sit besides her. He rub her back and gave her ice chips. Here comes the push. It's a baby boy. Strangely the baby is clearly mix with White. Jen Lee has some explaining to do. Lee Wong name the newborn, Sum Ting Wong.
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Age: 59
Joined: 24 Feb 2005
Posts: 1150
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WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BIRD-FLU AND SWINE-FLU?
BIRD-FLU REQUIRES TWEETMENT
SWINE-FLU YOU'LL NEED OINKMENT
BAWAAAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!
good luck everyone!!!
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Age: 59
Joined: 24 Feb 2005
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The Four Cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......
Ate the cookies........
Drank the milk.......
S**t on the paper.......
Screwed the other three cats.......
Claimed he injured his back while doing so........
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
Put in for Workers Compensation................and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave....
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANT'S TO WORK FOR THE U.S. GOVERNMENT!!
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| (No subject) |
Age: 59
Joined: 24 Feb 2005
Posts: 1150
Likes: 37
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Best Divorce Revenge Ever
Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me any more; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
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Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell and Free!
P..S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem
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